How to Reparent Yourself if You Have an Anxious or Avoidant Attachment
Healing attachment wounds isn’t about “fixing” yourself, but it’s about offering yourself the love, protection, and guidance you may not have received as a child. If you struggle with anxious or avoidant attachment, reparenting can help you heal old wounds and build inner safety, compassion, and trust.
Healing attachment wounds isn’t about “fixing” yourself, but it’s about offering yourself the love, protection, and guidance you may not have received as a child. Reparenting your inner child is a gentle path toward healing attachment wounds, creating emotional safety, and building self-compassion that supports long-term emotional healing. If you struggle with anxious or avoidant attachment, reparenting can become a powerful tool to cultivate safety, compassion, and trust from within.
What Is Reparenting?
Reparenting is the process of parenting your inner child in ways you always longed to be parented and meeting your unmet childhood needs. Inner child work is central to this practice because it helps you understand and care for the wounded parts within you. Many of us carry attachment trauma from early experiences where love, protection, or nurturing were inconsistent or absent. Reparenting therapy allows you to step in as the loving, compassionate, and protective parent you always needed.
In the book “Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving,” by Pete Walker, he describes this as balancing self-mothering and self-fathering:
- Self-mothering fosters compassion, soothing, and unconditional love.
- Self-fathering provides protection, assertiveness, and a sense of safety.
When both are present, we develop an internal “home base” where self-compassion and self-protection work together to help us navigate the world and strengthen secure attachment within.
Why Reparenting Matters for Attachment Styles
- Anxious attachment often comes from inconsistent caregiving. You may have learned that love could be withdrawn at any moment, so you cling tightly to others for fear of abandonment.
- Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, often grows from emotional neglect. You may have learned that expressing your needs was unsafe or unwelcome, leading you to distance yourself to avoid rejection or shame.
In both cases, your nervous system is still scanning for danger, even in safe relationships. Reparenting helps you soothe your inner child’s fear and build a foundation of trust inside yourself.
If you’d like to explore how attachment patterns affect your connections, you might enjoy reading “Fostering Genuine Friendships Part 2: A Guide on Managing Anxious and Avoidant Attachment.”
Self-Mothering: Growing Self-Compassion
Self-mothering is about offering unconditional love and warmth to the parts of you that feel unworthy, needy, or “too much.” It means becoming your own safe haven and practicing self-love as part of your emotional healing journey.
Practices for anxious attachment
- Remind yourself daily: “I am lovable and I deserve love.”
- Use gentle affirmations such as: “All of my feelings are okay with me” or “I don’t have to be perfect to deserve care.”
When fear of abandonment rises, place a hand on your heart and speak kindly to your inner child as if comforting a scared toddler. Being able to identify that your fear of abandonment has been activated can also be helpful in understanding how to support yourself. Practicing self-soothing helps regulate your nervous system and builds emotional resilience.
Practices for avoidant attachment
Practice nurturing the parts of you that want to pull away (typically protective parts), even when it feels uncomfortable. Ask them what they need from you to feel safe.
Replace self-critical thoughts with healing statements: “Everyone makes mistakes, they are our greatest teachers.”
Imagine nurturing the developmentally arrested part of you that had to grow up too fast. How would a caring and loving Mother nurture her child? Now practice this for yourself.
- Developmentally arrested means that a part of you (emotionally, psychologically, relationally) got stuck at an earlier stage of development because your needs weren’t met in childhood.
- Developmentally arrested means that a part of you (emotionally, psychologically, relationally) got stuck at an earlier stage of development because your needs weren’t met in childhood.
Self-mothering is a refusal to indulge in self-hatred or self-abandonment. It’s a commitment to consistent tenderness toward yourself. You can think of yourself as speaking to the younger version of you. What would they want to hear in challenging moments?
These reparenting practices strengthen your capacity for self-compassion and deepen your attachment healing process.
Self-Fathering: Building Protection and Assertiveness
Where self-mothering soothes, self-fathering protects. For many survivors of neglect or abuse, standing up for oneself feels unfamiliar or even dangerous. Self-fathering builds the inner voice that says: “I will protect you. You are safe with me.” This part of reparenting your inner child helps you develop emotional boundaries and strengthens self-trust.
Practices for anxious attachment
- Use “time machine rescue” imagery: Tell your inner child, “If I could go back, I would stop anyone from hurting you. I protect you now.”
- Practice setting boundaries with phrases like: “It’s okay for me to say no.”
- Healing anxious attachment includes learning that saying no is an act of self-protection, not rejection.
Practices for avoidant attachment
- Instead of withdrawing, practice using your voice to express needs.
- Affirm: “I can stand up for myself, and it’s safe to let others in.”
- Visualize your adult self as strong, steady, and capable of keeping your inner child safe.
- These small acts of self-assertion can help build a sense of inner safety and emotional security.
When It’s Hard to Be Kind to Yourself: An IFS Unblending Practice
Sometimes, the hardest part of reparenting is being gentle with yourself. If you notice that when you try self-mothering or self-fathering and you feel blocked by harsh self-talk, avoidance, or numbness, it’s not that you’re “doing it wrong.” You’re simply meeting your protector parts—the inner critic, the perfectionist, the numbing part—that once worked hard to keep you safe.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach that views the mind as made up of different “parts” (like protectors, critics, or our younger hurt self) that each have a role in creating who we are and keeping us safe. At the core of everyone is the Self—a calm, compassionate, and wise inner presence that can lead with clarity and healing when we learn to connect with it. This self is an “unburdened” part, and sometimes is hard to access because we are so connected or blended to our protective parts.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), you can separate your true Self from these protectors so your compassionate Self can step forward and connect with your inner child. Reparenting through IFS helps you build self-awareness, compassion, and a secure inner base.
Here’s a short IFS-inspired practice to help you separate from those protective parts so you can reconnect with your inner wounded child:
Step 1: Notice the Protector
Pause and ask: “What part of me is showing up right now?”
- Is it a harsh inner critic?
- A perfectionist pushing you to “do better”?
- Or maybe an avoidant part that wants to shut everything down?
Simply naming the part begins to separate you (your Self) from it.
Step 2: Thank the Protector
Protectors often relax when they feel recognized. Gently say (in your mind or out loud):
“Thank you for trying to protect me. I know you’re working hard to keep me safe.”
This doesn’t mean you agree with the protector’s strategy instead it means you see its good intention.
Step 3: Create Some Space
Imagine this part stepping just a little to the side so you can breathe without it overwhelming you. You might visualize:
- The critic moving to a chair across the room.
- The avoidant part taking a seat on the porch.
The perfectionist loosening its grip on your shoulders.
Step 4: Invite Your Inner Child Forward
Now that there’s more space, turn toward the vulnerable part of you that feels scared, small, or lonely. Ask gently:
“How are you feeling right now? What do you need from me?”
Often, the inner child just wants reassurance: love, safety, or a reminder they’re not alone.
Step 5: Offer Compassion From Your Adult Self
Place a hand on your heart or belly, breathe slowly, and offer kind words like:
- “I’m here with you now.”
- “You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”
- “I won’t leave you.”
Practicing IFS for attachment healing helps integrate your inner parts with compassion. It builds emotional balance and supports the process of inner child healing.
Reminder: You don’t need to banish your protectors. They’ve been your guardians for a long time. With practice, unblending allows them to relax so your Self—the calm, compassionate leader inside you—can connect with your inner child and reparent with warmth and safety. Remember to always thank these parts, whether it’s the protector or the inner child for sharing with you and let them know they can always speak to you if they need support.
If you want to dive deeper into understanding your responses in relationships, see “Understanding Protest Behavior (Anxious Attachment): Reclaim Your Relationships.”
Reparenting Affirmations
Here are some affirmations you can speak to yourself when you feel triggered, anxious, or shut down: from the book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving,” by Pete Walker
- “I am so glad you were born.”
- “You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection.”
- “I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side.”
- “You can come to me whenever you are feeling hurt or bad.”
- “It’s okay for you to be angry, and I won’t let you hurt yourself.”
- “You can know what you need and ask for help.”
- “You are a delight to my eyes.”
- “You can have your own preferences and tastes.”
- “I am very proud of you.”
Repeating these phrases creates new neural pathways, slowly replacing old beliefs of unworthiness or isolation with safety and love. Over time, this strengthens your secure attachment and emotional healing.
Reparenting Through Relationships
While self-reparenting is powerful, healing also deepens in safe, supportive relationships. Think of this as “reparenting by committee” allowing trusted friends, partners, mentors, or therapists to provide the compassion and protection your younger self longed for.
With anxious attachment, this means learning to trust consistent care while being mindful of needing constant reassurance.
With avoidant attachment, it means slowly allowing yourself to lean on others, risking vulnerability without retreating.
Final Reflection
If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, reparenting is not about blaming your caregivers or erasing the past, but it’s about reclaiming your power to nurture, protect, and love yourself now.
Every time you practice self-mothering or self-fathering, you’re telling your inner child:
“You are safe. You are loved. I will never abandon you again.”
Next Step: Try journaling from your “inner parent” to your “inner child.” Write down what your younger self most longed to hear, and read it back daily as an act of reparenting.
Ready to start your Inward Healing journey? Not sure if therapy is right for you? Maybe you’ve tried therapy in the past and it worked somewhat, but not entirely. That’s where we come in. We are therapist who have done the work and specialize in helping you heal your childhood wounds so you can feel better in healthy relationships and live your best life.
You don’t have to work through it on your own. I offer a free 20-minute consultation where we can talk about what you’re going through and discuss how therapy can benefit you. Call or text (408)516- 0363 to get started. You can also directly schedule a consult from our website.
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